Maybe we're not so far off from monkeys after all...

I'm very sorry for it, but I had to put this in. Unfortunately these last two posts are both a bit gross, but they needed to be shared nonetheless.

This is why, as a physical therapist, I've opted to transfer from the inpatient acute hospital clinic to the outpatient orthopedic clinic. This one 70-something year-old guy I've been working with in the hospital was entirely independent and living on his own until he developed diabetic ketoacidosis, which has made him so utterly confused and demented. He's very friendly, always smiling and talking to everyone around him. But he has no idea where he is or what's going on. Anyway, today as I was reading through his chart, I found this note his nurse had written the night before...

"Patient was caught playing in his stool. Patient was encouraged not to do that, that it was inappropriate. Patient agreed. Will continue to monitor."

And that's why I have to leave...

So today I stuck my finger in my dog's ass and almost passed out...

Just another Saturday morning in Penfield, you might say. Not really, I would say. About a month ago, I took Oscar to the vet for his annual check-up. The vet said that everything looked great, except that the reason he'd been licking his butt and scooting everywhere was that his anal sacs were full and not able to empty on their own. She went onto explain how dogs, like skunks, have small glands just inside their butts that emit a small amount of fluid, either when they poop or when they become extremely frightened. It's one way they mark their territory. But sometimes, for different reasons, the glands are unable to empty on their own. When this happens, you can help "express" them by putting a gloved, lubed finger inside and squeezing the fluid out. On top of the awkwardness of doing this to your pet, there is also an unbelievable odor that goes along with it. So on that trip to the vet, they brought Oscar in the back room and expressed his anal glands for us. She then explained that some dogs need this done just once, but that sometimes it will have to be repeated every few weeks. So if we noticed him licking and scooting again to bring him back in.

Well he did start licking and scooting again. Faced with the possibility of having to pay to have this done on a regular basis, I did my research on the internet and found that a lot of pet owners learn to do it themselves to avoid the expense of monthly trips to the vet. I figured that working in an acute-care hospital had toughened my senses enough to allow me to do this myself. Heck, I change adult diapers and wipe 85 year-old butts every day. I've dealt with sights and smells that no one should be exposed to.

So we went in this morning at 10 for the formal instruction. Michaelene resisted going, but finally I convinced her that if I had to do this then she had to at least be there to hold him still and calm him down. Once the vet joined us in the exam room, I lifted a reluctant Oscar and put him on the exam table. Dr. Jones went onto explain the procedure, of which I will spare you the details. She demonstrated on one side for me, showing how you should use the thumb and index finger. No problem, I thought. I can do this. My turn came next. I put my finger in and felt around until I found what I thought was the overfilled gland. Then I noticed that the rest of the room was slowly starting to look a little foggy. The vet was still talking, but I could no longer hear her voice. I felt a little flushed, then warm, then hot. I sensed the sweat beading up on my forehead. Things were not right, and they were getting worse. Finally I pulled my finger out and interrupted the vet in mid-sentence, saying "Yeah, I think we can just bring Oscar in to have you do this when he needs it." She was very nice about it, explaining that it can take some practice. Again she demonstrated the procedure on the second gland for me. I smiled and thanked her, but reinforced that we'll probably leave it to her in the future. She sprayed Oscar's butt with some doggy-deodorant, then lit a large candle in the room to mask the smell. As the clean-up was going on, I went to the counter and paid for our visit. Then we left, Oscar and I both feeling violated and somewhat defeated, our heads down and tails between our legs.

So what did you do with your Saturday morning?

Jen Peck is Super Cool!

Since she would never ever ask me to say this, because she is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too cool for that...I find myself wondering why I feel compelled by some unseen, unknown force to mention Jen Peck's unbelievable level of coolness. I mean, when you stop and think about it...wow. That's all you can really think, 'Wow.' The words 'wow' and 'Jen Peck' seem to be espoused on some level that is not quite tangible to the the rest of us average people, but is recognized by all with a silent understanding. She's so cool, in fact, that anyone who has the incredible luck to even walk past her on a crowded street can sense it without even knowing it. This person may go on to cure cancer or solve the Goldbach conjecture, and wonder where they got the ability to do so. They may not know, but Jen knows. Because wow, she's cool...